Got behind again...

This new job kicks my butt. It really does, but I love it. I just can't believe that I went eight days without posting.

Now, the Jimmy update. He hasn't been sleeping. He stays up until 2:30, regardless of what time we put him down. He just goes until there is nothing left. Yet, we still get him up to go the school at 7:30. He doesn't nap. It's crazy. So, after a week and a half of trying to get a referral out of Kaiser, we have an appointment at Children's tomorrow. I got a sub, since they only time I could get an appointment was 12:00. I am hoping they can give him something to sleep, so we can get him on a real schedule and the 10 - 12 hours a night a child his age needs. It would also enable us to get some sleep - although, in fairness, Jim shoulders most of the burden as I am useless after 10pm.

I guess the upside these days is Jimmy is doing well at the afterschool program. I sent him for a few hours on Monday, since they do holidays at a different facility. Two first graders came over when I picked him up and said they were Jimmy's friends. I went home and cried. I never thought Jimmy might someday have peer friends - he is such an introvert - but I guess it could happen. I thought it would always be just us. Maybe there is hope there too.

How am I doing? Mentally, it's taking a toll. I am exhausted, anxious, and stressed out. I think I am starting to realize, finally, that this might be forever. Not that I am giving up hope on how far he can go, but recognizing the possibility that his life might be limited in scope. It's painful, in a way that most people can't imagine. I have aniexty attacks over my mortality, over him, over what might or might happen. I know I am not in control of this situation and his progress and it has turned into a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't let go of...

With that said, I assure you I am trying. I am getting some help. I am taking care of my own health, physically and emotionally. I rejoined Weight Watchers and have lost five pounds. Someone at the meeting said about worrying how long it is going to take: "The time is going to pass anyway." They are right. I finally acknowledge that I have a responsibility to take of my kids, probably for a longer period of time than most parents. I won't be able to do that if I am obese and unhealty. I figure to be healthy, I need to lose 70 more pounds. I guess now is as good a time as any - the time is going come and go regardless.

Oh, and I turn 37 tomorrow. Lovely.

I can't believe I just posted my age on the internet.