I just looked at my Blogger Dashboard and it said I had 500 posts. I am kind of amazed that I have stuck with it this long.
Today, as is everyday, was one of highs and lows, dealing with the school and therapists, a career and two boys. Jimmy said "Goodbye Taylor" to a girl who ran up and told me that she was Jimmy's friend. Everytime that sort of stuff, I sort of mist up, usually with joy, but today it was a mix of grief. Jimmy is never invited to school birthday parties. Of course, we get invited to T's parties and some of my other friends with kids, but never any from school. There is a whole life of being a normal child that he will never, ever have. That I will never, ever share with him. It is painful in a way I can't even articulate because I love him so much and wanted so much for him. I still do, but is diminished in some respect by where he is today. He's in the tub right now because he climbed in the kitchen sink and pooped, still in his dress shirt from school photos. The school photos the school secretary forgot to give Jimmy's teacher for the class of four. At Cougar, he is well known, but is seemingly invisible in so many ways. There was the bus saga. The PTO snub last year, as well as the art show. And for the second year in a row, they forgot to give his class the picture form. How is that shit not supposed to hurt? (I know a few important people read this blog and I shouldn't swear, but you would swear too!) It is a pain that isolates you in this shared experience that people of a certain age have in raising a family.
But I am proud of him. Taylor hugged him when he said goodbye. I think it was the first time that she heard his voice. The elation of the small victories saves you from the pain. Victory and my love for him saves me every day.
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