Happy Halloween

We forgot the camera when we went with Jimmy's class to the pumpkin patch at Cox Farms today. Big day - I made myself sick on kettle corn, Jake went to bed at 8 (exhausted from Trick or Treating), Dad is eating the candy from the trip, and Jimmy is playing with his train. Jake's birthday and Halloween are over. No begins the downward slide to Christmas...

Congrats to Mrs. Debby, Jimmy's teacher finishing the Marine Corps Marathon. 8 hours, somewhere around 18,000 of over 30,000 people to start the race. I am impressed!!!

Jimmy at Build A Bear

The only negative of our weekend Build A Bear trip was Jimmy's reaction to it. He was completely overwhelmed by it. Before the tubes worked, the adenoids were removed and Jimmy could hear well, you could pretty much take him anywhere and he would not be phased by it. Saturday he was completely overwhelmed by the noise and busyness of it all. He gathered this little dogs, ran off to a corner (followed by dad) and hung out with them. He wanted no part of the experience. I felt bad that we chose something that he was effectively left out of, but what can you do?

Another View

Slightly larger...

This Is Me

With Baby James Pearce

Build A Bear Photos

From the top...

Jake, Ethan, and Jimmy with Grandma Liz
Paul, Maddy, Joise, and Joise's Mom
Elmo communing with Jake

Jacob is 2 Today

Greetings from the Build A Bear party!!! More later...

George Comes Out

To me, this is joyful news. In a past life, I worked for a company that put on Star Trek conventions across the country. I had the pleasure of touring the country with the Fab Four of the original series, the late Jimmy Doohan, Nichelle Nichols, Walter Koenig, and of course George Takei. Between sitting in airport lounges and dinner out in places like Eugene, OR, Boise, ID, or Valley Forge, PA, we had the opportunity to talk at length with the actors, especially George and Nichelle. I have even had the pleasure of meeting Brad, his manager and partner. They are a lovely couple.

I met a lot of actors during that period. Without casting aspersions on any of the rest, I found George to be the most grounded, intelligent, warm, and humble of the lot. George being gay was something we always knew but never talked about. To us, it was the smallest element of who he was and is to us. At the same time, the few times I did see him with his partner, he seemed to be the one person who was the picture of a stable relationship. That stuck with me. I have long hoped that he would be able to come out and be able to share in some small way what I was fortunate enough to see in him with the world. I am overjoyed for both him and Brad and hope they continue to be happy.

Things I Hate

Things I Hate...

#1 When Jimmy cries - when he gets upset, even over little stuff, he gets so worked up. He can be hard to comfort. He spills a little bit of water on the floor and he goes ballistic. Other things will happen that would upset me, like a glass breaking (he's done that before) - doesn't phase him. It's almost like he gets frustrated with the things he feels like he should be able to do - drink from a cup without spilling, communicate, etc... It odd and always leaves me feeling helpless.

#2 Kidney infections - I got violently ill yesterday afternoon. I assumed it was the stomach bug the boys had over the weekend. Then I got chills and a fever - then my back hurt and I had to pee a lot. Wholly unpleasant. I am antibiotics for a week.

#3 Rain - We went from having none for weeks on end to needing to gather two of everything. Crazy.

A Post VLA Update

I can't describe the last few days in a single word adequately. I got behind on my blogging because I had a presentation at VLA last week in Williamsburg. I am sorry for the break.

I drove down to Williamsburg about noon Thursday. Of course, before I left the school called to have Jimmy picked up. He has had another ear infection and is taking a lot of medication. It is interacting with the Tenex and as a result he has been asleep when he gets of the school bus. Thursday, he refused to wake up. I arranged for the daycare to take him and let him sleep, since he wasn't running a fever. I fled to Williamsburg, hoping that nothing dramatic would happen with the boys while I was gone.

I got there about 3pm. Ran into my old AUL (the boss' boss) who is the outgoing president of the Virginia Library Association. She was talking to another woman, a UT grad and now with the Library of Virginia. She introduced myself and recognized my name right away because of the VLA and UT scholarships. She was the first person to say when I started looking for a job, to give her a call. I got a lot of that - people recognized me because of the scholarship and then made casual offers of employment or help finding employment or said they expected great things from me. Pretty odd.

After getting settled in my room, I went back down to the lobby. When I looked over at the concierge desk, I recognized the man standing there as our new program director at UT, Dr. Cortez. I introduced myself and he invited me to the bar for a drink. We talked about the program and the profession. It was a great conversation - for those who read this who are in my program, he is a really nice guy. The program will flourish under him, I am confident of that.

After drinks with Dr. Cortez, I ran off the banquet where I was given some award for having gotten a scholarship and working on their fund raising campaign for the VLA Foundation. Susan arrived, I had another glass of wine while she ate, and then gutted our presentation before going to bed. I am guessing I had about five glasses of wine and I was pretty hung over the next morning...

Friday is just sort of a blur... Got up, met more people, gave the presentation - it went really well. Dr. Cortez even came!!! The evaluations were pretty good - the only negative one was they had hoped the program would provide more a comparison between schools. Since we never said that it would, we discounted the one negative and feel like we did pretty well. I wound up stay a little later so they could present the big scholarship check at the closing session, so I went to check my e-mail.

That's where this story goes horribly wrong. There was a work e-mail titled "Sad News." I figured someone's parents died or something. Nope. My friend and colleague M "passed away" Thursday night. Passed away? He's my age - how do you just pass away? I find my colleagues at the conference to tell them before they too have to find out via e-mail. He was sort of universally liked... he sat next to me for six months when he was a wages librarian, so we chatted a bit. I really liked him - he reminded me a bit of Jim Carrey from the Truman Show... sort of odd, but really likable. It was all I could do to keep from totally bawling right before the check presentation. It wasn't until I got in my car that I really started to cry.

It wasn't until later, as I was driving home, that I was able to get ahold of someone who told me what happened - he had taken his own life. I think I actually screamed when she told me. I wish to God she had told me anything else. I really do. I sobbed off and on all the way home. I broke down crying on the way to work this morning. It hit and is still hitting me really hard. I had no idea. I wish I did - I wish I could have said or done something. I have been suicidal before, even made a poor attempt at it, but I am so grateful looking back that I failed. Life got better. It's not perfect, but I have so much know - my kids, an education, good friends (like you) - things I would have missed had I died. I wish I could have hugged him and told him that it would get better. But I didn't know.

Anyway, this day isn't starting off really well. I sitting in my cube, looking at Julie's cube - it's where M used to sit. I hate that I will never see him again, that we'll never talk. I am very sad to lose a colleague and a friend, especially since he didn't have to die. I'm not angry at him - I understand he must have been in pain, but it is just so sad. It breaks my heart.

A Drug Induced Stupor

So the school nurse called... apparently from the Tenex, Triaminic, and the antibiotic, Jimmy is in such a state the is sleeping through school today. He slept through school and is sacked out at Kindercare. I am concerned, but there isn't a lot I can do. I have no more sick leave and Jim has very little. He isn't running a fever, so they are willing to keep him and let him sleep. I, however, feel like the world's worst mother.

Home Early

Jimmy has yet another ear infection, so I am home early from work to take care of him. I always feel badly when he is sick. He just gets so quiet and withdrawn. All kids are that way, but with Jimmy, he make so little noise when he is sick that you barely notice him in the house. He is moving around a bit, but it's just not the same as when he is feeling well. He talks more, he squeals, and he runs all over the house!

My graduation forms came in the mail today. I can't believe this is almost all over. I will have a Master's degree come May. I am sorry, but that is just so exciting!!!!

Photos from the Battlefield in Manassas

I tried to upload multiple photos from yesterday - it didn't work, so you get them on at a time. Jake crawled on this wall about a dozen times. Just hiked up the side and walked along until he wanted to fly off (with my help, of course.) Child has no fear - there are many emergency room trip in this kid's future.

Annoy Me Some More

No, this is not the guitarist from ZZ Top.

Had a great day with the cousins. Will likely see them tomorrow. Didn't get to see Nick though - that will be tomorrow. I forgot that today was Nick and Joshua's birthday. Not twins, not scheduled, they just happened to be born on the same day six years apart - Nick's 24 and Josh is 30. Wow, I remember them both as babies. Where has the time gone...

What annoys me right now are issues regard his "label" - his diagnosis has been alternately and informally PDD-NOS, Autism Spectrum Disorder, and Autism. To me it's like skin cancer, lung cancer, leukemia, Hodgkins - cancer is cancer. Maybe there are degrees to it, but it is what it is. I am tired of the focus on words or fault (ears, genetics, etc...) - it's not about where we have been, it is about where Jimmy is going.

A Nice Diversion

My cousins are in town from Ventura, California. She is my dad's first cousin. I haven't seen Marcia and her husband Ken since my dad's wedding in 2002 - at it had been years before that since my prior visit. I spent a great deal of time with them growing up, though. Their son Nicholas is here doing training for Americorps. He will be deployed to the Gulf Region to help with disaster relief. Pretty noble and likely a great way to pay off student loans. He turns 24 tomorrow. He was less than half that age when I saw him last. Should be entertaining.

Last Night's Town Hall

The local representatives are doing three town hall meetings in the area, a brilliant idea right before an election. So I loaded the boys up and took them over to the high school to speak to State Senator Colgan and Delegate Parrish about autism and how the state might consider examining how to better serve the educational and medical needs of children on the spectrum. I was supposed to be first to speak, but since Jim was about five minutes away, I deferred until his arrival. Jake was being too much of a terror to actually say anything until I had help.

When the husband arrived, he took Jake and walked him around the school. I sat and watched Jimmy nap peacefully while I listened to an 86 year old man speak about global warming. Kind of down home, but very wise. He was a sweet old Southern gentleman. After he was done, I was invited back up to the microphone. I spoke about Jimmy, my experience with Kaiser, going to Richmond in August (see August's posts) to speak in front of a state committee about autism and insurance issues, my experience with the education system. All of it. Exhibit A slept all the way through my speechifying. But it felt good. Both gentleman seem interested, took notes, and inquired as to who authored the previous bills.

I told them I thought the state should engage in a thorough discussion of autism and the medical and educational issues around it. That there should be a single educational standard to children with autism. I should have live with the fact that if I lived three miles down 28 in Fairfax County, Jimmy would have 30+ hours a week in school and receive ABA. Currently, living in Manassas Park, he gets 17.5 and very new and limited ABA services. I shouldn't get recommendations for care from my doctor that my insurance company has no intention of providing. Either way money will be spent by the state on kids like Jimmy - either as children, giving them the medical care and education they need to becoming functioning, taxpaying citizen or on the back end, supporting them through adulthood. The choice seems natural to me.

In the end, my comments seemed pretty well received. Someone approached me with some recommendations for trying to get additional government help and I spent some time today following up on that. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thought for the Day

In reality, dreams die hard. Leave them where they thrive - in the back of your mind, only to appear when your eyes are closed and you're tucked in the warm embrace of your pillows and blankets.

Katie's Dad is Ticked

You know, I should be more compassionate. After all, Katie Holmes is a person, someone's daughter, carrying someone's grandchild. But I HATE Tom Cruise! No one, especially some smarmy Hollywood actor should be telling women how to treat themselves (anti-depressants) or their children (Adderall.) Since I officially have experience with both depression and ADHD (to the extent that it is part of Jimmy's whole makeup), it offends me that this man sits in judgment on women who are busy with the work of caring for their families the best way they can. Women like me. I hope Katie never knows the misery that comes with real life. And if she does, I seriously hope she goes apeshit on his ass.

Somebody Reads My Blog

Left a comment and everything. I sent an e-mail! Yay! I am so excited!!!!

No Catchy Title Today

I am feeling uninspired. Worse yet, not a lot is happening. I didn't have class on Monday and both of my other professors cancelled their classes. I wound up with an unscheduled week off. I was going to go to aqua aerobics tonight, but apparently those plans are in flux now with the last minute arrival of family from California. Might see them tonight, might see them later this week. I just don't know yet.

The medication seems to be bugging Jimmy a little. I talked to the doctor last week and he said cut it back to a single dose if you have to, so we're doing it. He scratched himself bloody in a few spots. I felt so bad. He will likely still derive some therapeutic benefit. The school is reporting more language and the therapist is reporting better attention. It would be perfect if he didn't itch...

Jake is Jake. They fought over chocolate milk last night. He was still crabby when I took him to Kindercare this morning. He is staying up later - he seems to really dislike having to go to bed so much earlier than his brother. But he is such a mess if he hasn't slept enough.

Wow... that's it. Life needs to get interesting soon.

A "Supernanny" on Autism

I have never actually watched this show, but I imagine I will be tuning in for this episode. I hope some of you will as well.

SUPERNANNY TEAMS WITH AN ACCLAIMED AUTISM EXPERT TO HELP A CHILD WHO IS AN OUTSIDER IN HIS OWN HOME ON "SUPERNANNY," NOVEMBER 4

"Facente Family" -- Supernanny Jo Frost teams with world-renowned autism expert Dr. Lynn Koegel to tackle the parenting issues faced by a family whose three-year-old son is an outsider in his own home. This episode of"Supernanny" airs on FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 4 (8:00-9:00 p.m. ET) on the ABC Television Network.

After there done there, I wonder if the Supernanny and Dr. Koegel can come to my house.

Sunday Night in the JCL

I am at work tonight. Most or all of my students are out of town for the fall break (how can they call a three day weekend a fall break - I'm sorry, it would have to be like four days in my book...) so I came in to work from 9pm to midnight. I took a nap, but I am still starting to wind down. And I haven't finished my venti skim no whip mocha!!! But I did get two of my three econ questions done. I have to go to Fenwick for the other, so I think I am doing pretty well.

The boys are doing okay. I left them home with Jim and he is having a miserable time with them. Jake's still awake (he called and said Mommy on the phone) and Jimmy flipped out once. I feel kind of guilty, yet there is this kind of perverse pleasure knowing my boys miss me when I am gone. The Tenex is going pretty well for Jimmy. Just a slight rash. I called the doctor and he phoned back the same day... keep the dose the same, watch it for a week, see how it goes. At least he didn't say to pull him off. I want to give this a chance so we can see what if any effect this has with him.

Back to the studies... I have to go break out my management text.

Slow News Week and More Sesame Place Photos

Slow news week here, so I thought I would add some photos I never posted of the Sesame Place trip. Jimmy - most of his good photos were taken with the waterproof disposable camera, which has yet to be developed. As you can tell by the one photo of him alone, most of what I got on land were action photos. Pretty standard - take him out of the stroller and you wind up looking at his backside as he runs off.

I was looking at the photos with Jacob earlier. He saw the ones with my mom and called her "Gammy." Jimmy calls her Memaw and Jake calls her Gammy. I'm sorry - I think it's cute!

"Karma is Alive and Well"

Ever wonder what happened to Joey Buttafucco? Here you go... Some how I think Mary Jo and Amy are both better off without him!

Python vs. Gator

This is a great story. I despise snakes. I am completely, utterly terrified of them, so I took a perverse joy in the outcome of this epic battle of python and gator. Did the snake win or the gator or was it a draw?

Katie Holmes Expecting

ICK!!!!

Coming Unglued...

I have an assignment due tonight in my management class and I haven't even started it. I have been so moody and stressed, I have absolutely no focus. It's an incredibly bad place to be when you have three classes, a full time job, and the whole mom thing. It's not like the classes are too much. I just can't think... I keep tearing up. It's just awful.

An Unending Source of Stress

You know it's a bad day when you walk into your boss' office crying and you can't articulate what's wrong. School is stressful, marriage is stressful, kids are stressful, autism is stressful. My job, mercifully, is rarely stressful, until today. It's like the perfectly balanced house of cards tumbled down around me. If I had a sick day left for tomorrow, I would take it. I really would. At this moment, I just want to crawl into bed, pull up the cover, and have the world go away. I'm just frustrated and sad.

A Jimmy Update

His therapist just called - she is doing a makeup session with him today. He used his "I want" phrases without prompting, greeted her with a "Hello" and said loudly "My turn" when they were practicing turning taking during play. She said he was very attentive today. Maybe the medication is helping.

Another Week

It's Monday and I already feel like I am behind. I got my stuff done for my programming class tonight. I have my business assignment due tomorrow and I have the leg work done but not the write up. To make that worse, I got my anthro assignment grade and it was (he ballparks these things) A-/B+. A B+??? Time to work a little harder.

We started Jimmy on his morning dose of Tenex this weekend. He did pretty well Saturday and Sunday, but this morning, he only finished half the apple juice. I guess I am putting it in milk tomorrow. Hopefully he'll finish it then. We also put him in a booster seat in the car - he did very well with it. He did struggle against it the way he would against the chest restraint on the regular car seat. I'm pretty pleased!

A Sunday Moment

Jimmy had just drifted off to sleep on the couch. He looked so sweet and peaceful... until Jake came with his glass of water and poured it on his head. One angel, one devil. How did that happen?