A Post VLA Update

I can't describe the last few days in a single word adequately. I got behind on my blogging because I had a presentation at VLA last week in Williamsburg. I am sorry for the break.

I drove down to Williamsburg about noon Thursday. Of course, before I left the school called to have Jimmy picked up. He has had another ear infection and is taking a lot of medication. It is interacting with the Tenex and as a result he has been asleep when he gets of the school bus. Thursday, he refused to wake up. I arranged for the daycare to take him and let him sleep, since he wasn't running a fever. I fled to Williamsburg, hoping that nothing dramatic would happen with the boys while I was gone.

I got there about 3pm. Ran into my old AUL (the boss' boss) who is the outgoing president of the Virginia Library Association. She was talking to another woman, a UT grad and now with the Library of Virginia. She introduced myself and recognized my name right away because of the VLA and UT scholarships. She was the first person to say when I started looking for a job, to give her a call. I got a lot of that - people recognized me because of the scholarship and then made casual offers of employment or help finding employment or said they expected great things from me. Pretty odd.

After getting settled in my room, I went back down to the lobby. When I looked over at the concierge desk, I recognized the man standing there as our new program director at UT, Dr. Cortez. I introduced myself and he invited me to the bar for a drink. We talked about the program and the profession. It was a great conversation - for those who read this who are in my program, he is a really nice guy. The program will flourish under him, I am confident of that.

After drinks with Dr. Cortez, I ran off the banquet where I was given some award for having gotten a scholarship and working on their fund raising campaign for the VLA Foundation. Susan arrived, I had another glass of wine while she ate, and then gutted our presentation before going to bed. I am guessing I had about five glasses of wine and I was pretty hung over the next morning...

Friday is just sort of a blur... Got up, met more people, gave the presentation - it went really well. Dr. Cortez even came!!! The evaluations were pretty good - the only negative one was they had hoped the program would provide more a comparison between schools. Since we never said that it would, we discounted the one negative and feel like we did pretty well. I wound up stay a little later so they could present the big scholarship check at the closing session, so I went to check my e-mail.

That's where this story goes horribly wrong. There was a work e-mail titled "Sad News." I figured someone's parents died or something. Nope. My friend and colleague M "passed away" Thursday night. Passed away? He's my age - how do you just pass away? I find my colleagues at the conference to tell them before they too have to find out via e-mail. He was sort of universally liked... he sat next to me for six months when he was a wages librarian, so we chatted a bit. I really liked him - he reminded me a bit of Jim Carrey from the Truman Show... sort of odd, but really likable. It was all I could do to keep from totally bawling right before the check presentation. It wasn't until I got in my car that I really started to cry.

It wasn't until later, as I was driving home, that I was able to get ahold of someone who told me what happened - he had taken his own life. I think I actually screamed when she told me. I wish to God she had told me anything else. I really do. I sobbed off and on all the way home. I broke down crying on the way to work this morning. It hit and is still hitting me really hard. I had no idea. I wish I did - I wish I could have said or done something. I have been suicidal before, even made a poor attempt at it, but I am so grateful looking back that I failed. Life got better. It's not perfect, but I have so much know - my kids, an education, good friends (like you) - things I would have missed had I died. I wish I could have hugged him and told him that it would get better. But I didn't know.

Anyway, this day isn't starting off really well. I sitting in my cube, looking at Julie's cube - it's where M used to sit. I hate that I will never see him again, that we'll never talk. I am very sad to lose a colleague and a friend, especially since he didn't have to die. I'm not angry at him - I understand he must have been in pain, but it is just so sad. It breaks my heart.